Nowhere I Belong

Born in the wrong reality
One where nobody cares
I don't know how to behave
We are totally incompatible

We cannot talk about sex
We cannot talk about religion
We cannot talk about fetishes
We cannot talk about politics

I feel oppressed by all these rules
I want to fly free like a bird
The Sun is shining, the sky is blue
My heart is dark, black as the night

Why won't you stay with me?
I just want to be loved and understood
But I kept doing the wrong things
Over and over again, I never learn

Will I find my Eden one day?
It's heaven on Earth if someone loves me
All these social norms are so confusing
It's okay if you can't handle me, though

One day I will shine again, I'll be happy
But far from here is only a distant light
It's so cold here, please shine so bright
The night is dark, doesn't it feel lovely?

Tonight I'm alone, like every night
Thinking about a happy past I never had
Won't someone come here and hug me?
I'm drowning in a lake of pain and sadness

There's

Nowhere I belong
Nowhere in this world
Nowhere to call my home
Everywhere I go, I'll be alone

"Dear Frau Nolte, I'm so sorry for what I have done. Right and wrong are so confusing to me. I can't understand this world's rules, they follow no logic", I said, feeling sad.

Frau Nolte gave me an annoyed look and left. I'm alone now, and I'll be alone forever. Nobody can understand me or my feelings, and it will be like this forever. People ask me "how are you?", but they don't care about my feelings at all. They pretend they are my friends and then they stab me in the back. I tolerate the bad aspects of their personality, but they don't do the same with me. They tell me I'm "annoying and sassy", and then they don't talk with me anymore, forever. I'm not born in the right planet for me. Of all of the realities I could have been born in, I was born here. This reality is not what people like me can call home. Of all the 150 countries out there, not a single one of them has friendly and caring people who won't judge you for who you are. There's simply nowhere I can feel happy and loved.

Alone in my bedroom I cry and cry
There's no one who'll wipe my tears away
This is a clown world with unfriendly people
Again I'm here in the utter darkness

I remember your beautiful smile
Then I woke up, dreams are beautiful
Until you come back in this hell of a reality
Nobody cares about my feelings

Every act of kindness here is fake
I walk on this street like a wretched dog
Finding a friend is like finding gold
I'll never feel the comfort of a warm hug

A glitchy and dissonant music plays
That's the soul of this world
My brain goes crazy, too many stimuli
I don't know how to handle all this

It's like staying in a sinking ship
In the middle of an infinite ocean
No land to walk on, the end is near
Except that everyone but me can fly away

A controversial dilemma arises
Should I keep living or end my own life
I'm too optimistic to kill myself
One day I might be finally happy

Life is so unbearably difficult, it's crazy
I pray to Pan everyday, but it won't listen
Please teleport me to a better reality
One where people are kind and cuddly

There's

Nowhere I belong
Nowhere in this world
Nowhere to call my home
Everywhere I go, I'll be alone

Now that Frau Nolte has left me alone, I have no one else in my life. There's no one who cares for me, they all look kind and caring, but it's only a mask, it's fiction, they don't care about me. After I answer their question:"how are you?", they tell me:"That's nothing. There are people who have it much worse than you. Stop complaining"

That's the worst thing I could ever hear. Invalidating my feelings makes me feel even worse. They don't understand what I'm going through. I was not born to live here. I'm like a stranger in my own planet. I need a hug so much, but the only touch I get is the screen of my smartphone. People are so distant, they won't connect with me emotionally. I used to think the problem was only my country, but it turns out our whole planet is infested with unkindness. There's nothing we can do, but I believe Pan has created infinite happy realities, I just wasn't born in one of them. I might need to calm down, but I don't think I will calm down soon.

There's so much hope in my heart
But even that will die out quickly
I'm a lost soul who doesn't have a home
This reality is isolated like a prison

Different continent, same unfriendliness
It's part of the human nature to be rude
Why am I so different? Why am I so sad?
Nobody likes me or the things I do

People will judge you for how you look
They won't like your personality either
Selfishness plagues lands and oceans
Why should I repay them with kindness?

Touch-starved I keep living my life
I don't even know how a backrub feels like
Let alone how comforting being loved is
We can improve our society, but we won't

The angels cry, and the best will disappear
This cycle of life and death make us suffer
We need to carry on despite all this sorrow
Because there's hope of a better tomorrow

Huh! Hah! There's no need to be so sad
Just smile and pretend nothing happened
Even though people are getting persecuted
As long as it doesn't happen to me, it's fine

Show me your reality
I'll show you my imagination
Nah, you wouldn't understand it anyway
Objects of the mind are not made of matter

There's

Nowhere I belong
Nowhere in this world
Nowhere to call my home
Everywhere I go, I'll be alone

There we go again, I have to study and work to supposedly "improve" a society that cannot be improved, but I guess I'm just a slave who is supposed to keep this sick society alive. Can happiness be reached in this reality? I know they're just chemicals in our brain, but happiness would feel good, if only I were able to have a reason to be happy. Hug me and make oxytocin flow through my blood, I would feel good, but nobody hugs me, and probably never will. Everyone finds me so annoying, and is "sassy" supposed to be an insult? One thing is sure, nobody likes me.

"It's your fault if you feel like this! You never do anything right!", said Amisha to me, annoyed.

Society was never good, and probably will never be. Every complaint I make is just a whisper in the wind. Nobody will hear my cries. Frau Nolte, Amisha, and all the other people who never comforted me, I'll remember your unkindness forever. Everyone makes mistakes, I forgave yours, but you never forgave mine. Why is everyone so unfriendly and cold? It's not my intention to hurt your feelings or make you uncomfortable. Why do people never understand this?

My bedroom is an ocean of tears
The only friends I have are my fears
Why won't you smile at me? I feel depressed
I don't even play videogames anymore

I'm an invisible kid in an uncaring world
No matter how loud I cry, they won't care
The only thing that matters is money
While I fall down in the deep darkness

Now I see, I will be alone forever
While other people have fun and party
In a certain way, I'm not alone in this hell
Society always make people like me alone

Since the day you didn't kill yourself
My life somehow changed in a strange way
Not better, not worse, just different
Will you be my friend? I'm so alone

You said you cared about my feelings
You said you never wanted to see me sad
All I got from you was your apathy
All I got from you was your unfriendliness

People say one thing, but mean another
They ask "are you okay?" but they don't care
Their friendliness is only apparent
They will never help you or just cheer you up

Time does not heal, it's been years
I will live like this until the day I'll pass away
This is not just what I fear, this is reality
Trapped in a nightmare with no way out

There's

Nowhere I belong
Nowhere in this world
Nowhere to call my home
Everywhere I go, I'll be alone

Every person I meet eventually gets away from me, they say I'm annoying, they insult me, and never talk to me anymore. I wonder why this happens, maybe I am annoying, indeed. I once thought I would have felt better in a "friendlier" country, but then I discovered people are unfriendly in every single country of this horrible reality we call Earth. Will I find a true friend one day? One who doesn't judge me for who I am, one who is willing to chat and have fun with me.

"I don't like the fact people are getting killed, imprisoned or beaten because of this ideology", I say, proud of myself.

"I find your words very offensive", said John, a follower of said ideology which [the ideology, not John] violently persecutes people who don't agree with it.

"I said nothing about the followers of this ideology, I don't hate them, I just don't like the fact people are dying or suffering because of it, I want everyone to be happy", I said.

"You are so rude. I'm done talking with you", he said, leaving.

Things like these happen very often to me. I just wish a true friend who understands me and my feelings.

Why does nobody understand me?
Why does nobody care about my feelings?
There's no light in my soul, there's no hope
Only darkness and void permeate corners

I say the end is coming, but it's not true
I will keep living and suffering for decades
Until nature will take care about my soul
Then the end will come, after this sorrow

Tonight I'm invisible, like always in my life
Day and night I feel sick and in pain
I wonder what will set me free
I wonder what will "set me free" really mean

I used to think I was invincible, but now
Reality reveals its true face to me, how ugly
I am the depressed among the disturbed
I am the loneliest among the lonely

Not even Pan cares, its goal is clear
Create everything, suffering and pleasure
I was just born in a horrible reality
Wishing I could travel into another one

I shelter myself in my imagination
Bad things cannot happen here
I am the ruler of this metaphysical land
Forever happy, in a reality I made up

Is happiness an illusion in this world?
Are pain and suffering the only possibilities?
Kindness can exist, we just don't want it
And forever we're doomed without caring

There's

Nowhere I belong
Nowhere in this world
Nowhere to call my home
Everywhere I go, I'll be alone

I'm not even angry at John, I can understand I was being annoying, but at the same time my feelings get worse everyday. Being annoying is not what I want, but I can't help it. A person who can handle me is an angel, I just hope I won't make that angel cry. Most rules are so confusing, I'm trapped in this foreign reality with no way to escape. I was born here, but I still feel like a stranger. This society makes no sense me. Why talking about violence is allowed, but not talking about sex? Is pain really any better than pleasure? Is this what they're teaching us? In this reality, a movie depicting a man killing other people is less embarrassing to watch than a movie depicting a woman who masturbates herself. I just wonder why. It makes zero sense to me, but I'm supposed to accept this rubbish they call "social norms" without even questioning it. I don't want to live here, but my imagination won't feed my real world stomach. I need reality to survive, and this is when the pain hits deeper. Pan, if you're listening to me, please improve the reality I live in. Make everyone friendly and cheerful, or at least, make most people like that.

I know Pan isn't listening by the way
This reality will never change
Everyone will stay judgemental
Discomfort and anxiety is what they want

A portal from heaven might open
But I know it will never happen
Because this reality is a prison
We can't interact with the other ones

Everything is divine
Divine doesn't mean good anyway
We are doomed forever
In this large prison we all call Earth

A dystheistic conception of reality
Deities are not wholly good
Rather, they're potentially malicious
But I believe it is what it is, good and bad

There are infinite realities without pain
There are infinite realities without pleasure
Pleasure here is brief and rare, but I'm glad
I could have been born in a worse place

My desire for a better reality won't change it
People keep being persecuted, it never ends
People keep dying because of an old idea
We need to move forward and forget it

Winter is here, but it doesn't matter
Most people live in a warm location anyway
Even if it snows, I still won't be that happy
All I want is a place I can feel loved

There's

Nowhere I belong
Nowhere in this world
Nowhere to call my home
Everywhere I go, I'll be alone

I just met another person, but I know he'll hate me, give it a few weeks or months at most. It always happens like this. There's nothing that can be done about this. I have realized the problem is me, not others. I am the annoying one, they are just normal people. I know that somewhere in Pan, there are realities where I will be loved, but I'll never reach them, sometimes Pan punishes people for no reason. What I have done so wrong to be born in a reality where violence and pain are so widespread? I have done nothing wrong, but Pan knows better, maybe I just can't remember what I've done. One months later, the person I met is starting to hate me just like anyone else. Is this a curse? I'm doomed to be sad and alone for the rest of my life. Pan will do nothing to improve this, its plan is clear since the beginning, everything must exist.

"You're a weirdo", said a random guy I just met, before leaving me alone forever.

My heart is metaphorically freezing, all there is, is cold and empty. Will I ever find someone who loves me for who I am?

Will I ever find someone who likes me?
I think everyone is manipulated by Pan
It's its will that moves us forever and always
There's no atom who moves without Pan

Why does it want me to be sad?
I might have been a bad person before?
I can't remember anything, I'm so sorry
This is really unfair, I want some love

Even if you just touch my shoulder
I will be happy, it would feel like love
Yes, the desperation is growing inside of me
Every moment I'm spending is time wasted

They say I'm living in a golden age
If this is a golden age, I can't imagine
The past was even worse than now
But I need to carry on, the future is bright

I'm not alone, there are so many people here
Some of them have the same opinion as me
The future is shining brighter than ever
We are rare, but we're increasing in number

I can't die now, I have a goal in this world
I want to bring smiles and happiness
But then I realize I'm powerless
It's like I'm adding a drop to the ocean

Everything I do has no impact on this world
It's like I'm voiceless in a loud universe
As soon as I die, everyone will forget me
Not that they care about me now anyway

There's

Nowhere I belong
Nowhere in this world
Nowhere to call my home
Everywhere I go, I'll be alone

I just met a girl. She seems very different than the others, she looks and behaves like an angel. It's the first time ever. I'm actually feeling loved, or is it me loving her? Her eyes shine with kindness and gentleness, her smile makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Am I dreaming? Is this the real world? I just want to cry, but I smile with joy instead. Her voice is really soothing, I could listen to it all day. I shouldn't lower my guard, though, she will probably hate me in a few months, just like everyone else. Pleasure in this world is brief and illusory, I should never forget this. But what if Pan listened to my cries? I will wait to see if this is not just divine teasing. Should I finally give in to happiness? Should I just seize the day and live like there's no tomorrow?

"I need a hug", I say, proud of my courage.

She smiles, opens her arms and holds me tight. I want to cry, but I need to be strong. I can't cry now.

"I will always be your friend, no matter what", she says.

Those words made me burst into tears.

"What's wrong, buddy?", she asked, worried and caressing my back.

"I'm crying because you're making me happy", I said, with an overwhelming joy.

They told me that I couldn't fly
They told me I would never be happy
They told me that it was all my fault
They told me others had it worse than me

Now I don't hate them, why should I?
I don't seek revenge, happiness feels good
I want them to feel as happy as I am now
Even though they treated me so badly

When least expected, things might be bright
There is indeed hope for a better tomorrow
So don't be sad, we're here for everyone
All people in the world deserve happiness

What are you waiting for? Don't waste time
There's a whole life ready to be experienced
If you feel sad, make other people happy
Their smiles will the best prize ever

Be kind to others, they might be feeling sad
They just hide it so well you don't notice
But deep inside they feel like they're in hell
So be cheerful, smile and go spread joy

Pan might be sadistic, but we can do better
If we're kind, diseases will be less painful
Earthquakes and fires will still be there
But they won't be as painful as they are now

Thank you, sweet angel, I'm happy now
I will never forget your kindness
Your hugs feel so warm and soft
All my pain is now a distant memory

Is this

The place where I belong?
My place in this world?
The place I can call home?
Everywhere I go, I won't be alone

5 years later, she's still my friend, and she brings happiness not only to me, but to every sad person she meets. She's the most altruistic person I've ever met.

"Thank you for everything you're doing, you're an angel. Your actions are having a positive impact in this world", I said, and she smiled.

"I love making people happy", she said, smiling gently.

"Can I hug you?", I asked, blushing a bit.

"Sure! You can hug me anytime you want, for as long as you want", she said, opening her arms.

I hugged her. Even now that I'm older, I still want to cry. I never met a person this kind before. She makes me so happy, and the best thing is that she makes everyone happy. She's a true bringer of positive feelings. I'm so glad this is not the product of my imagination. This is real life, there are so many kind people in the world, but unfortunately they're so incredibly rare.

The hug lasted for 30 second and I felt comforted. I even forgot what sadness feels like.

"Thank you for being my friend", she said, smiling warmly.