September 1, 1997. First day of school.
Katarina is a 14 years old girl who is going to experience her first day of high school. During the middle school, nobody wanted to be her friend, but now she hopes things will change. Class is about to start, and since it's the first day, they're going to introduce each other. Katarina entered her new classroom, and everyone seems to ignore her. She was expecting warm welcoming, but all she got were blank stares.
She thought:"It's okay Katarina, you'll have friends eventually, it won't be like middle school", trying to reassure herself. She sat in a single desk, without anyone to make her company. She thought that, since there were 21 people in the classroom (an odd number), there must be someone who stays alone. That's normal. She tried to stay calm and focused on logical thinking. Worst case scenario thinking just will not improve anything. Katarina was used to being ignored (when she was lucky) or even insulted, so she was happy she got into a new school, but also anxious because she thought that those events could become a reality once again, but then she had in mind that the worst that can happen, doesn't necessarily happen.
The class has started, and everyone introduced themselves.
"My name is Katarina Objat, I'm 14 years old, I live in this city, and I like being with my friends". Katarina didn't have any friends, but she wanted it to sound like she did.
Some people were watching each other with a condescending look, implicitly saying they doubted she had any friends at all. They smiled evilly and waited for the class to end.
LUNCH TIME
Katarina was sitting alone. It looked like everyone was trying to stay as far away from her as possible. Katarina didn't like this feeling. She knew that was not a good sign, even when she was in middle school it started like this, she's just hoping that nobody will treat her badly again, just ignore her. After all, she didn't do anything wrong, so there's no reason anyone should be hating her.
Katarina ate the vegetables and looked down, a bit sad but still hopeful, thinking it's normal for it to be like this at the beginning. She thought that she would have got at least 2 new friends during these years. She wasn't feeling well, and hoped for this unpleasant beginning to end very soon. She watched the other people happily lunching together, and hoped she could join anytime soon. She was daydreaming about how popular she will get among her school mates, and was feeling better, thinking she would get loved pretty soon.
Lunch time was over, and Katarina headed back into class. Again, they all introduced themselves. This time, the atmosphere was getting pretty tense, and Katarina thought everyone was mocking her. By the time she stopped introducing herself, she felt sick in her stomach. She thought that she would have gotten popular in high school, but somehow, she was still probably considered a "loser" by everyone else. What for? Her look? Her personality? She didn't know for sure, but asked herself why.
She came back home with a frown on her face, then she went inside her bedroom. She read a book containing some fiction stories and felt immersed in them, trying not to think about her first school impressions. She thought that everything is going to be fine, and that it was like this only at the beginning, and that it was normal because they still had to get to know her.
Katarina loves romance stories, the ones where the male character is too shy to confess the love for the girl, and the girl convinces him to do it. She's reading a story about that right now. Gradually, she felt sicker and sicker because of the negative thoughts she had in mind. She was really looking forward to the second day of school to see how it turned out, because she was now impatient as the sadness took control of her mind. She sighed hopefully, and went to sleep at 5 P.M.
She tried to sleep but couldn't. Those thoughts won't go away, no matter how hard she tried to get rid of them.
She stared at her room's white walls and thought about the uncertainty of the future. Will she become popular? Will she be lonely? That's what she's asking herself. Deep inside her mind, her thought activity was reaching monster levels. She was asking herself so many questions and considered so many scenarios she was getting really anxious. She has considered the fact that she could get bullied again. But how intensely? Worse than middle school? Less bad? Will there ever be someone who's going to protect her? Will she find a boyfriend? These and many more questions raced inside Katarina's mind and soul, not letting her sleep. She was feeling a bit nauseous and had mild fever-like symptomps, but she decided to ignore them, because she tried to think that everything was going to be more than fine. She tried to think that she will get very popular and that everyone will love her, but she knew that wasn't going to happen. She wasn't feeling so bad that she cried, it was more like a light sadness mixed with anxiety. After 5 hours of intense thinking (it was 10 P.M.), Katarina finally feel asleep.
September 2, 1997. Second day of school.
Katarina got up at 4 A.M. and was ready for school, looking forward to it with a melancholic hope. The first class began, it was maths, and she couldn't concentrate on it. She waited for this hour to finish, in order to try and chat with someone and stop these raging infernal thoughts. The hour never seems to end, and Katarina's frown was getting more intense. She looked down at the floor, feeling sad, and let these bad thoughts overwhelm her senses. She didn't know what time was, there wasn't any clock in that classroom, so she was feeling hopeless. You know the feeling when you're waiting for something to happen, not knowing what the results will be? Both good things and bad things can happen. Anxiety and hope at the same time, that was what Katarina was feeling. Human feelings can be really complex. The hour was far from over, though.
Katarina looked up, feeling a bit nervous, and sighed quietly. Was she going to get popular, or everyone will ignore her as always? She didn't like being ignored, because it made her feel even sadder. Right now, nothing could cheer her up more than having a meaningful conversation with someone. But the hour never ended, she felt like she was being stuck in this spatio-temporal limbo where nothing happens and the negative thoughts dominate everything. She felt her arms getting slower and also an ache in her heart. No one but her knew what she was going through, so no one was going to help. She felt trapped in a cage. She could see the others outside of the cage, but the others couldn't see her inside it. She was feeling helpless, but she now has her chance to get out of this dark mental state. She could talk with someone. But until the lesson is there and doesn't end, Katarina's thoughts become darker and darker. For now, she had been good at mantaining a quite believable poker face, but she cannot hold it for much longer.
Her eyes clearly denoted sadness, but her classmates either didn't understand non verbal clues or just didn't care. The fact that she couldn't vent her emotions made her feel even worse. She was forced to stay in that classroom for hours and couldn't do anything about it, but she felt like it, yes, she was going to explode quite soon. She was waiting for the hour to finish, and after what it seemed like to be an eternity, the bell rang and she then felt half of her tension finally released, but it was far from over, now it's lunch time, and she MUST talk to someone, or else she's going to have a bad reaction to this overwhelming frustration.
LUNCH TIME
Now, it's lunch time. She has to talk with someone already, because she wants to get popular, and she thought that the best way to become popular was talking to as many people as she could. But everyone was already talking with someone else, and there was no room for her to start a new conversation. She was doomed. She tried to approach someone, but it failed:
"Hi", said Katarina, shy.
"Sorry, I'm talking with Mary", replied a girl, visibly slightly annoyed.
"ANYONE WANTS TO TALK WITH ME?", said Katarina in a loud but upbeat voice, faking a smile.
Many people were laughing and whispering something (probably bad things about Katarina) inside each other's ears. Katarina was feeling really ashamed, she shouldn't have done that. Now her mind is in utter pain, she wished she could teleport away from that, as far away as possible, but she knew that Earth was bad in general, so she wanted to live in a different reality, where everyone is kind, friendly and helpful. Unfortunately, she's doomed to stay in this reality forever, without the possibility of escaping this tragic fate: dying alone. The thought alone terrified her and sent a chill down to her spine. She felt her throat aching and couldn't withstand this horrible feeling anymore, but she was alive and had to endure this hostile sensation.
A war was waging inside her brain, with neurochemicals such as cortisol and norepinephrine being released in huge quantities. She couldn't even begin to describe how she felt, she was dying from the inside, like a monster who was eating her alive, but keeping her alive so that she could feel all the pain. She felt the impulse of vomiting, but couldn't do it in front of others. Her breathing got heavier and her heart pounded faster. She thought that was what hell meant. She asked herself why is everything so scary and painful. Why is life so negative? Couldn't we all be kind and make each other happy? She felt like nobody cared about her, like she was the only person in this world, and eventually felt like she was going to cry anytime soon.
"I don't care", she thought, "And if I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry. This pain is too much for me to handle". She began to feel warm but unpleasant tingles, and the sensation was getting into her eyes.
She started crying.
"FINALLY!", she thought. She wanted to cry many times before, but was rarely able to do it. Now she will absolutely feel better!
Almost everyone stared at her, with varying expressions. Some were confused, some were condescending, and some were surprised. Even though they were staring at her, nobody went near her.
As the tears filled Katarina's face, she was feeling a new sensation. She was feeling, somehow, nostalgic about the past, because there have been some days of glory in her life, albeit very few and too far in between. She was thinking about those moments and started crying even harder. Those few days of relative popularity are now gone and won't happen anymore in her entire life. She's condemned to be cast into oblivion. Everyone will ignore her and she'll fall deeper into a halo of pure darkness, forgotten by everyone she won't be able to get outside of this darkness that will last forever and will consume her soul like the fire consumes oxygen. Slowly and painfully.
As she cries, she remember when she was younger. There have been a few days where she was surrounded by supportive friends. Now it's all a distant memory, a pleasure that cannot be re-experienced, no, not again. She used to play in an empty square near her aunt's house with other kids, talking about UFO's and videogames. Now all of that is like burnt paper: it's just not there anymore and will never return again. Now, whenever she sees that square, she can't stand that emotion. It's too painful to remember something pleasant that can't happen anymore. Katarina used to feel really happy. She remembers that feeling really well, she used to feel so full of energy, smiling and without that terrible headache that has been haunting her for years. Now all of that is gone. Permanently.
She remembers the happy moments very well, but now she understood, that her life has never been happy. She can't remember a time when she felt happy for more than a month, unlike her sadness, which is lasting continuously for years. She was asking herself what has she done wrong to deserve that. She's a really good girl who doesn't deserve all this suffering, all she deserves is a very kind person who'll be her friend forever and they'll play a lot together.
Her face was really red, and the crying wasn't over either. She had been crying for 20 minutes and still hadn't stopped. After crying that much, she was feeling tired and sleepy, and couldn't do another lesson after lunch.
LUNCH TIME IS OVER
The bell rang, indicating that lunch time was over. She wandered through the hallway, and a guy saw she was crying and tried to comfort her.
"What's wrong?", he asked, with a concerned expression.
"I'm so lonely. It hurts", she replied.
"I'm sorry for this. I can try to cheer you up", he said.
"I don't want that" - "Do you need anything?" - "I need my feelings to be validated, that's it" - "I understand your feelings, trust me" - "Are you serious? Or you're just saying this to make me feel better?" - "I'm serious, I feel a lot of empathy. I feel bad when other people are sad. It makes me feel terrible, really" - "This is all my fault", she said, frowning even more. "No, no, it's not your fault if you're feeling like this, trust me, you are worthy! - "Why do you say this?" - "I heard you talking about kindness yesterday. Y-Yes, at lunch, you were trying to talk with someone about kindness. I heard you. You have awesome thoughts, I agree that everyone should be kind to each other".
Katarina was feeling a weird feeling she hasn't felt in a while. Was she starting to feel happy? Loved? She smiled a little. Sure, it wasn't the same feeling she had when she had like 5 friends who chatted with her, but one friend was still a good start.
"Thank you", she said, smiling weakly.
Katarina expressed her gratitude. Her headache was slowly fading away, but she still had it, even though it was getting lighter as time went by. Her arms were becoming softer in movements, and a small wave of energy was making her feel slightly relieved. But it was still not enough, anxiety was still here, even though it didn't feel hellish and unbearable anymore. The heartache was still there, the sickness in the stomach was also still there. Every attempt at cheering her up were useless, and she was feeling undecided as to whether she should pretend she was finally happy or reveal the sad truth. Everything was so scary and difficult. What did she want to make her happy? She knew the reason why the heartache was still there. One friend is not good enough, she wanted many more. She wanted to feel the love coming from many directions, she wanted to be a bit popular. 10 friends would be enough for her to feel happy again, but unfortunately, it's never going to happen and she's going to live in the shade.
She thought she wasn't too special nor too smart, so her self-esteem was really low. She didn't think about the fact that she needed someone to point out the beautiful sides that she had.
She told the nurse she was sick and was sent home, as she couldn't endure another lesson with that pain. She was still feeling nostalgic, anxious, sad but still hopeful. She now has one friend, and hopes that this friendship's going to be long-lasting. Her pain is far from over, but now she has gained a new perspective. Maybe one good friend is better than 10 acquaintances. She was trying to instill that thought in her head but couldn't. To her, the fact that others could see she was popular, was very important. Also, she liked to be surrounded by people who praised her and loved her for everything she did. As that wasn't a reality, poor Katarina is faced with emotional struggling.
She decided she didn't want to be like that, and that she was going to accept that one good friend. She was feeling hopeful and looked forward to the next day with a bit of anxiety. She finally was able to read the romance story fluently. She got totally immersed in that story and felt like she was feeling it in first person, that for a moment she forgot about her loneliness. As soon as she came back into reality, though, she felt like she had been slapped in the cheeks. She was lonely, well, she has been through much darker times, but she was still lonely. She was looking forward to see that guy tomorrow.
She went to sleep at 8 P.M. and this time she could sleep in just 3 hours, so at 11 P.M. she was already asleep. It wasn't a pleasant rest, rather it was just the fulfillment of a basic need that just happens to be unpleasant at the moment, due to the strong emotional breakdowns she had been having recently. She got up at 6 A.M. and then went to school. She was still feeling very emotional, but she was glad she had found a new friend in this new school.
September 3, 1997. Third day of school.
At the entrance of the school and into the hallway, Katarina couldn't find that guy again. The first lesson about geography started, and she was feeling really bad. She thought the pain was finally over but the reality was much different than that. He didn't show up today, and that broke Katarina's heart. She began cutting the paper of her exercise books with a pair of scissors. The paper started to look more similar to a white powder similar to salt and sugar. After a hour of cutting that paper, the salt-looking result was ready. Katarina was ready for another day where she would get home after lunch, or she'd be suffering a lot more. Somehow, staying at home made her feel much better, but still unacceptable.
Katarina couldn't even smile, as her sadness was really powerful and couldn't be reversed, at least not by Katarina alone and definitely not easily at all. Even the guy from yesterday couldn't made her happy with his kind words. But it doesn't matter anymore, as he probably didn't want to meet such a cry-baby girl anymore. Katarina thought that she could even have died, and it wouldn't have mattered, not to her, not to anyone else. She thought she would have freed the world from another mouth to be fed. She thought she was useless. Nothing could save her anymore.
LUNCH TIME
"Hey!", said the guy from yesterday.
Katarina's eyes were suddenly filled with joy and energy, as she smiled. She needed a hug but was too shy to ask for one.
"Hi", she said, shy.
"This is my friend Mike", he said.
Now Katarina has two friends!
She couldn't believe it, she was getting what she wanted, more than one friend! They were going to play a lot and have lots of fun together, forever. Katarina sighed in relief and the headache has completely gone away. She felt like her health was melting from that cold and frozen phase and also felt light as the air around her. Is that what being happy means? Her smile got gradually stronger and she felt like she could fly. The sensation was comparable to an old lamp, which is about to be broken, that turns into a freshly bought one. Of course, the adjective that could best describe what Katarina was feeling right now was "bright", yes she was feeling bright and happy. She wondered how could she stand the pain she has felt for all these years and congratulated with herself for being that strong.
"I need a hug", she said, smiling.
Mike's friend hugged her.
The light pressure she was feeling on her back and around her waist was very pleasant. She hadn't got a hug in years, probably even a decade (and she's only 14!), but now every ounce of sorrow is gone. She shouldn't worry anymore, because now she has her new best two friends who'll stay with her as long as she wants outside of class. The hug lasted for 30 seconds (it was a really long hug!), and when they released, they both felt happy and relaxed. Katarina hugged Mike, too. Now, the cuddle hormone oxytocin is being released in great quantities and Katarina finally understood what love feels like. As expected, it feels lovely, but she didn't understand the exact feeling until now.
"Shall we go out in the park or in a restaurant together someday? As friends, of course", asked Katarina. They both accepted.
They will always be friends, and that what finally cheered Katarina up. They'll play a lot together.