I dedicate this non-fictional story to Earth readers (I know many of you are reading this from a distant galaxy far away from the Milky Way, and I'm glad you are, but Earthlings need an explanation, too!).
Dear Earthlings, there are so many interesting extraterrestrial things out there, you can only imagine what's out there, far away from Earth.
Earthlings can be very egocentric. In ancient times, you used to believe there was no land outside of your continent. You realized you were wrong. Then, you used to believe there was no world outside of Earth. You realized you were wrong. Then, you used to believe there were no planets outside of the Solar System. You realized you were wrong. Now what?
As a human-like intergalactic traveller with a fart fetish, I will tell you the story of what I saw and experienced during my cosmic journey. I'll start telling you that Pan (what you refer to as 'the Universe') is infinite, and as long as something is physically and mathematically possible, it's happening somewhere, an infinite amount of times.
You, Earthlings, are not very technologically developed (no offense). Our species (which looks exactly the same as humans simply due to coincidence) have achieved totally unrestricted space-travelling abilities, and we're able to travel anywhere in this infinite Universe called Pan. We are coming to your planet peacefully, and we want to give you some of our information so that you can prosper and evolve as a species.
No, we're not giving you our information about how to build warp drive spacecrafts, you don't deserve that information! You have to figure out how to build that yourselves! Instead, I'm going to tell you about a few of the things that are out there.
Please be aware that the events I'm going to narrate are happening in a galaxy so far away from the Milky Way, far beyond the observable Universe. I highly doubt you'll ever be able to reach it. And no, we're not giving you the technology to reach it!
Contrary to what (I suppose) most Earthlings assume, there are infinite humans in Pan. Every culture you can think is happening right now somewhere in Pan.
What? You have a fart fetish, too? Well, well, well... just in the galaxy I was born in, the 91-DIVOC galaxy, there is a small region that contains a few thousands planets where people with a fart fetish (from the whole galaxy) meet with each other. Yes, those planets are used specifically for that reason. Entire planets used for people to get face-farted by other people. What? You're only into girls facefarting you? No problem, we don't judge! What? You only like it when girls farts smell extremely bad? No problem, the girl who rips the stinkiest fart in the whole Earth pales in comparison to the awful stench so many girls in the 91-DIVOC galaxy can produce! There's everything you could wish for just in my native galaxy, could you imagine what an infinite number of galaxies could offer? The answer is: everything.
Yes, since you're asking, there's also a whole galaxy... oh, what am I saying... a whole continguous HUBBLE VOLUME consisting of TRILLIONS of galaxies, all of them inhabited by a human-like species where females have unbearably noxious stinky farts and males don't, and females are known to punish males with the putrid stench of their farts. Is that really where you want to go to? I could send you there, you'd be the only Earthling travelling beyond so far beyond the observable Universe. Are you sure you want to leave Earth to go to such an alien, exotic, unknown destination? Okay, okay... if you insist... get on my spaceship.
"Yeah, my farts sometimes stink, but not more than the average Earthling's. What? You wanna smell them?", T9 said, embarrassed by your request.
"You know where we're going, right? This Earthling person has a fetish for girls farts that smell extremely bad, so we're going to a place that has trillions of galaxies full of extremely gassy girls", I explained to T9.
"Ah, I see", she said, sweating but smiling.
After a few days of warp driving, we arrived near this large region of space.
"This place has no immigration laws, it's perfectly legal so settle here, but nobody does that in fear of getting gassed by these girls' traumatizingly stinky farts. Trust me, I warned you that the stench these girls produce is beyond noxious, but you still want to go there, so you'll go there. Let me scan this region... hmm... what kind of planet would you like to land on? Hot? Cold? Small? Large? Would you perhaps want to land on a moon? This region has around 10^24 inhabited planets/moons, all inhabited by this human-like species where girls rip hellish stinky farts and boys are punished that way (it's their culture!). So, where would you like to land?", I asked you.
"Isn't there somewhere like Earth?", you asked.
"There's nowhere *exactly* like Earth in this region, still there are trillions of almost exact copies of Earth in this galaxy. Do you want me to land on a random one of these copies?" I asked you.
"Yes!", you said.
"Would it be okay if that copy of Earth was a large moon of a gas giant?", I asked.
"I guess", you said, shrugging.
We landed on a moon that was basically a copy of Earth in virtually every aspect, except that you could see a very large gas giant in the sky. This Earth-like moon is tidally locked to this gas giant, and it orbits it in exactly 24 hours.
"Welcome to our planet, foreigners", said a girl, apparently friendly, and you greeted her.
"I'm from Earth!", you said.
"Never heard of that place", she said.
"Is it true that girls here have very stinky farts?", you asked.
"Yes, that's true. We usually punish guys, and guys and girls who are not part of our species, with our stinky farts if they misbehave. We're pretty proud of our power!", she said, confident.
"I want to smell them!", you said.
"Why would you want such a thing? Trust me, you will cry in pain if you smell just one of our farts. We'll only make you smell them if you misbehave", she said, smiling.
"Please", you asked, begging them.
"No", she said, serious.
"Okay then", you said, punching the girl in the nose.
"You're going to the punishment room, now", she said, serious.
"Yay!", you said, excited.
*POV CHANGE*
I was taken to a creepy-looking room with grey walls, and I was handcuffed and tied up in order not to escape. I saw the girl taking her pants off, and looking at me with a mischievous smile.
"You hurted my nose, now I'll hurt your nose, too, but in a very different way~", she said, giggling.
She sat on my face and I was extremely excited, it will be a huge pleasure for me to be facefarted by a girl with extremely stinky farts. Soon, I got what I thought I wanted to experience:
*pppbbbrrrfffttt*
She let out a very warm fart that burned my eyes and my nostrils from the stench alone. As soon as I breathed it in, I gagged from the repulsive stench and wanted to throw up. I changed my mind, I underestimated how stinky an Earthling girl fart could be, let alone the fart of a girl from a galaxy unspeakably far from the Milky Way. This stench is torturing my mind and my soul, and I want to get away from here and finally breathe fresh air as soon as possible. She kept farting on me a lot, and I wondered when this torture will end. Now I understand, maybe I should look for girls with less stinky farts than this abominable miasma, and with a culture that is less willing to punish other people with her farts. Maybe I should go back to Earth as soon as this traumatizing torture will end. She kept farting on my nose for what I felt like was an eternity, but in reality it was just 30 minutes, then she let me go outside, but I was so disgusted, so half-dead from this stench, I was traumatized.
"I hope you learned your lesson~", she said, smiling.
I didn't even answer. I went back to the multiship and asked who brought me here to bring me back to Earth.
"I'm afraid that is not possible. I forgot to save Earth's coordinates on my spaceship's database. I'm really sorry", he said, looking sorry.
"Nevermind, just bring me to a normal place with normal people with normal farts", I begged.
"I can do that, I know a place almost identical to Earth but even better than Earth around 10^(10^10) light years away from here. It will take a week to arrive there, please be patient, it's extremely far from here", he said.
"That's okay, I will wait", I said, smiling and ready to live a new happy life.
During this week, I chatted with T9 and we had lots of fun playing old videogames from her galaxy, too. I felt like I finally found a good friend in that spaceship, but somehow I was looking forward to land on that new planet and live a new happy life.
The days passed, and we eventually reached the Hubble Volume where that moon (which I previously thought it was a planet, but really it's a moon of a large gas giant like the moon I was fart-tortured on) was located. As they scanned the moon, I saw data I could barely comprehend:
Satellite of the planet S101-d (provisory name):
Mean orbit radius: 290,000 km
Orbital period: 24 hours 0 minutes
Mean radius: 6,666 km
Surface area: 558,110,583 km^2
Volume: 1.24*(10^12) km^3
Mass: 6.53*(10^24) kg
Density: 5.271 g/cm^3
Surface gravity: 1.0 g
Escape velocity: 11.25 km/s
Rotation period: synchronous
Average Air Temperature: 285.65 K (12.5 °C, 54.5 °F)
Atmospheric Pressure: 1.01 atm
Atmospheric Composition:
77.7% Nitrogen
22.2% Oxygen
0.1% Argon, Carbon Dioxide, Other Gases
"I don't understand this stuff, can I go outside without a space suit or not?", I asked.
"Sure! The amount of nitrogen and oxygen are almost identical to those of Earth, just a slightly higher amount of oxygen compared to Earth but you'll not notice it, trust me, and the scanner didn't detect any narcotic or toxic gas in the atmosphere, so let's land!", he said.
We landed somewhere on a valley with a thick vegetation, and we went outside.
Yes, I could breathe this air. The host star was shining, the sky was bright blue with the gas giant looking huge in the sky, the air was cool with a temperature of 280 K (7 °C, 45 °F) and it was pleasant to breathe this cool air although I needed a jacket because it was cold. He gave me a jacket since I asked and then we went to the nearest town, where we received a very warm and friendly welcoming.
"I hope you'll be happy here!", a guy said, offering me a hug. I accepted the hug and I was finally ready to live a new happy life.